Finding My Tribe – Part 1
I’m fucking done trying, I’m so bored, this is supposed to be fun and it’s not, but I’m here now in another country and I’m stuck, now what? These were the thoughts rambling through my head on a spring break trip many moons ago in Mexico while lying on a towel on the beach. What the hell was my problem? I was desperately trying to fit in with the popular girls. This was the coup de grace, the final blow to the heart that killed the unsure, awkward part of me that was trying to fit myself inside their box. I was done trying but had no where else to turn, little did I know that my final surrender would yield one of my greatest life lessons.
Later that night we were out doing what most spring breakers in another country do, getting hammered, dancing wildly, hitting on and getting hit on by random guys, contemplating if we should take any of them back to the hotel, you know basically every mother’s spring break nightmare.
As we were leaving the bar to go back to the hotel we ran into some guys we knew from our college who were just ramping it up at 2 am, they were football players and wrestlers, a couple business majors, some biology majors, and in general smart jocks (they exist!). I was far from done, I didn’t want to go back to the hotel, I wanted to be out enjoying life, the girls were tired and ready for the night to end so when the guys said stay with us we’re going to see what else we can get into I was sold. My soul was restless, needing to be set free, longing for adventure, to taste life and this was just the ticket. I told the girls I’d see them later at some point, they didn’t argue, they knew I’d be safe with these guys and they left. This was the starting part of a journey that still continues in my life today.
Madness basically ensued, we partied, ate, drank, explored, had crazy adventures, laughed a lot, and I mean a lot – so hard we had to grab our bellies and tears came to our eyes for a WEEK. I never went back to stay with the girls, after the second night I just grabbed all of my stuff from them and stayed with the guys. The girls ended up leaving early because it was boring (WHAT this is the most amazing fucking adventure EVER!) I stayed with the guys, they said they’d give me a ride back to school. So about 10 of us packed into two hotel rooms, it was me and one other girl that had come down with the guys and we slept three to a bed and on the floor sometimes, where ever we landed that night. It was one of the best trips of my life to date, the only one that tops it is my trip to Africa last year (but that’s a story about me and my soul mate – we’ll get to that in a later post).
What sounds like a typical spring break for college kids was anything but for me. It was soul nurturing, comfort, peace bearing, life-long friendships and adventure. These weren’t just any random college boys, three from the trip would come to be my best friends in the world to this day, one would become the second love of my life who would teach me true love and also crushing heartbreak, and they all would teach me acceptance and understanding of my own very unique and beautiful soul. You see I had found my tribe, my amazing circle of warriors, adventures, happiness seekers, and my life burst open and arose from the ashes of the life I had just burned down.
Now the popular girls there was nothing wrong with them you see, they are great people, I still think so, I just don’t fit with them, they don’t get me and that’s ok. I just needed people who related to me at a soul level and once I finally surrendered and threw up my hands to the universe and said, “this isn’t working” the universe smiled on me and said, “here they are your soul travelers”.
I have always found peace in wildness. That crazy trip in Mexico. On the back of a Harley one night I found nirvana, heaven, pure joy, and my goddess it’s beautiful and beyond words. In Africa my soul stirred to tears at the interconnectedness of all beings. My wild soul longs to be set loose scrambling around the world, thrill seeking, exploring, being daring and untethered. Loving big and wild and crazy. I have the protectors of my tribe now I need the mothers, the nurturers, the feminine. I came to realize that very important piece in the last two years and now I’m seeking those feminine soul travelers now, ladies who will become part of my tribe. Women who are authentic and we call each other on our bullshit, nurture and hold each other through our trials in life. Who embrace adventure and life and laughing.
You see it’s a lifelong process and some people will come into your life and leave and you’re stuck trying to figure out what part they played. Some you wish would stay but don’t, you have to see the beauty in the gift they gave you while here even if it’s a painful gift. Some will stay through this whole crazy physical incarnation. They are all actors in the crazy thing you call your life and it’s up to you to see what role they play.
There have only been a couple times in my life when I felt adrift. I felt like that because it was those times that I tried to fit myself where I didn’t belong. I tried to be something I was not. I was trying to be part of a crowd that wasn’t my people. If you are there right now darling reader, do yourself a favor and surrender to the universe, surrender your will that it’s not working. You may just be given the key to unlock an amazing journey, it could even be that day! Embrace who you are, what your deepest passions are, what sets you on fire. When you do that you will attract the people who are meant to be around you, you will become part of a bigger picture, you will find your tribe.
Paz y Amor